Eulogy for Dee

Marrying the confirmed bachelor and favored son of an Italian woman can be intimidating. It’s the stuff legends are made of. After all – they wrote a whole television show based on the concept – Everybody Loves Raymond. But, Dee was no Marie Barone. And while our relationship at first was tentative, as any mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship might, it grew into something very beautiful. So it’s with so much joy and pride that I stand here to celebrate her life with you.

Dee was like a diamond: so many facets, so much beauty, and………. a few small flaws.


I have to warn you – this will be an honest report – not one that shares only the good. Because I know she would have none of it. Before Christmas we were sitting together reading the paper over breakfast. She was reading the obituaries and she said, “Did you ever notice how everybody who dies was perfect? For once I’d like to hear – Bob was a good dad and provider, but he left his dirty socks on the floor and he had gas….”


One of the things that first brought us together were those quiet morning breakfasts and the fact that we are both morning people. If you know Scott, you know he is NOT. So – when I first came to KS – I’d wake up and come down to find her sitting at the table with her coffee (and later tea) and the paper. If she was already doing the crossword, I knew I’d slept in a little. She was very kind to share her quiet morning time with me, and we began bonding over morning talks (and later cozy silences) at the table. Those breakfasts became part of my KS routine.


Let’s talk about some of Dee’s best qualities – the facets of her diamond -


Dee was a fabulous hostess and housekeeper. Jack has bragged about how great she was and how she helped his career with her wonderful hostessing ability. She could prepare an entire dinner party herself, even when she was working and traveling by starting weeks in advance. She was an absolute master at freezing and then reheating a meal so that it was perfect. You would never know that she hadn’t cooked it the day before. She shared her recipes and know-how with me. Like “Clean up as you cook” (something I do not do well) and “You don’t need lots of tools in your kitchen, only a few of the really good ones.” She was a wiz with laundry - no stain was as stubborn as she was. She always kept her house immaculately. When we brought Emma to KS for the 1st time, she told me she cleaned the whole house for Emma. I didn’t think much of it, until I realized she had removed all the pictures and furniture from each room and washed EVERYTHING – walls from floor to ceiling, windows, carpet, furniture – everything.

Dee was funny. She knew how to make people laugh. Her sense of humor was often very dry and witty. She had a great sense of timing. Recently she told a story of her Maritz travel days. She was leading a tour in China and had been ordered to line up and show idea, one of the VIPS in her group started to complain and roll his eyes – “Why do we have to stand in this line with our passports.” Without missing a beat Dee pointed to the Chinese solider standing nearby and said, “Because the man with the gun says so.”

She was energetic and strong and scrappy – that little Italian lady. Small, but mighty. Last April she came to visit. We were waiting for her luggage. A very tall, very buff, very cute guy was standing right behind her. He dwarfed her small frame; he must have been 6 5. When her very large heavy suitcase came down the slide, she said, “Here comes my bag. Tell Dad we’re ready to go.” The cute guy, trying to be helpful, reached over her to grab the bag. But before he could get, she grabbed the bag (which was 1/2 as tall as she was) with two hands and hoisted it in one big move off the luggage carousel, knocking Mr. Handsome back a few steps. He looked at me with this amused shock, and I said, “Hey - I just try to stand out of her way.” He laughed. And then she said – “Hey – if I had known there was a cute guy back there I would have leaned back and pretended to faint into his arms.”


She was the kind of person who could make things happen either by ordering other people around or doing them herself. She didn’t just sit and wait around for things to unfold. We both enjoyed gardening – something else we shared in common. I remember once when she and Jack were visiting I said something about how my wild strawberries were starting to invade my garden. The next time I went outside – there was Dee – up to her elbows in dirt – just finishing up – not a strawberry in sight. She had attacked them with this vigor that was unparalleled. This is also a great example of another of Dee’s beautiful qualities.


Dee was a giver. She was extraordinarily thoughtful. She spent so much of her energy doing things for other people, especially her children. She loved to think of ways of doing things without being asked (like demolishing my strawberries) Her holiday care packages to Scott and me are one of my favorite examples of this. After we were first married, she started sending us care packages (that were really just for me) before each holiday. She knew that Scott being so long a bachelor, and I being so young had no holiday décor. So about 3 weeks before each holiday we received a package with a wreath, or candles, or table cloths to decorate our house.


No picture of Dee would be complete without discussing Dee as a grandmother. She was a wonderful grandmother. All of you know, probably much better than I, how much Dee wanted to be a grandmother. And she was made for the job. She was the perfect grandmother. Sometimes when a person wants something so bad and then they finally receive it – they smother it to do death. Grandmothers especially have a reputation for being this way. But not Dee – she loved Emma with all her heart, and spoiled her –but only appropriately. She never took over or was possessive or domineering with Emma. She gave Emma so many wonderful gifts – her first suitcase, which I thought was adorably appropriate, a special Christmas dress, a little dollhouse. But so many of Dee’s gifts to Emma were more than material possessions. They shared little inside jokes – like N-E-S-T-L-E-S – Nestles makes the very best Chocolate. & “3 Ladies having tea.” Dee passed down her sense of being a lady. If you know Emma, you know she is girly to a fault: a lady’s lady. I have this wonderful picture of her at the Nutcracker, with her little legs crossed at the ankle, hands folded in lap, posture perfect. I often say “I don’t know where she gets it,” but upon reflection – it was from Dee that Emma inherited that. Dee’s biggest gifts to Emma were her time and encouragement Her attention and enthusiasm. As Emma said, “Dee Dee makes me feel snuggly and cozy.” That is the biggest gift to give a child – the warm comfort of love – something Emma will treasure and remember forever – long after the suitcase is worn out, the dolls lost, and the dresses outgrown.


Now that I’ve told you about some of her most beautiful qualities – let me talk about those little specks in the diamond.


She could be feisty! If she thought you were amiss, she was NOT afraid to let you know. It really drove her crazy when I threw leftovers in the trash instead of down the disposal. She’d say, “Now WHY are you doin’ that?” I wish I could have been in line behind her when, at the airport, the TSA agent challenged her usual ritual of walking through security in slippers. She threatened to hit him over the head with her shoe. Who does that? She REFUSED to use a cell phone – even for work. (can you imagine in her line of work) It drove everyone CRAZY. They’d say – we’ve been calling you! Are you ok? Was your phone broken?” She’s answer “Oh – I never turned my phone on.” But she knew they could never fire her, because they couldn’t live without her.

She may have been a giver, she was not a particularly gracious receiver. If you gave her a gift you might well expect her to say, “Now WHY did you do that? You shouldn’t have!” And she might even make you take it back. Her daughter, Jamie, once said, “Mom – you are the most classy lady I know in all regards except that you don’t receive gifts well!”

Those are two tiny flecks in that diamond. Now - Consider this – When you see a diamond displayed in a gallery, it has a black cloth behind it. When you hold a piece of black cloth up to the – the flaws become invisible and when you hold a light up to it – the diamond becomes brilliant.

As any of you who spent time with Dee while she was sick can attest – this is how she responded to her illness. She became more brilliant because of it. Her good qualities shone out brighter than ever and her flecks became strengths that added to her beauty.

Even physically – going gray- perfectly complimented her skin tones, tan from golf and made her eyes brightly shine out. I truly thought she was never more beautiful during any time I had known her or in any pictures I had seen of her.

After all – only a woman as feisty as Dee Claflin could live for over 2 years with a disease that kills most by the end of 6 months. Only a woman who would dare shake her shoe at airport security could be given as much chemo as the doctor usually gives a 20 year old man and say, “Are you kidding? Is this all you’ve got?” Only a woman with her sense of humor could greet her doctor the day after surgery by saying, “Well – you’ve just ruined my bathing suit modeling career- I mean look at this scar.” And she was so thoughtful – even right up to the very end – she was doing as much as she could for others – getting her own affairs in order – making up the contact list for the day of her passing - giving things to people that she wanted them to have, telling them what she wanted to be sure they heard. Especially for Emma – even at her worst – Dee refused to take any pain medication that would dull her senses. She did not want to miss a second of Emma time and she wanted to be sharp for her little granddaughter. I could see how she was resting and mustering strength – so that when Emma would come rushing in “Gramma DEE DEE LOOK! Watch!” She would brighten “Oh honey – What? Oh that’s great!!!!”

Her perspective was amazing – She was famous for saying, “No tears” and when people would be surprised at her cheerful resolve, she would ask, “Well – am I supposed to sit down and cry?” She was completely able to deal with the reality of her condition and plan for it – without ever giving up hope or resolve. She was able to live in the moment while hoping for the future, a balance that most people cannot achieve. She was able to let go of the little things. The woman who kept her house MORE clean the Marie Barone was able to say – let the dust bunnies gather – I’m not worried about it.

And she became the most gracious receiver – when people brought food, decorated her house, cleaned for her, cooked her kitchen, rubbed her arms, lotioned her legs- she would say thank you – NOT “Now WHY are you doing that?” She was amazed at the love and help you all lavished upon her. I remember her taking my hand and leading me to the refrigerator. She opened the doors and said, “Look at all this food. I haven’t cooked or prepared a single thing in here. Can you believe all this that other people have done?” And she stood there soaking it in. So, I know that she would want so much for me to express again her thankfulness and the thankfulness of our whole family.

To close I’d like to read a passage from scripture that many women shy away from. Proverbs 31 – describes a woman of virtue. Listen to this description and see if it sounds like someone we know.

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still dark;
She provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.
She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed her husband also, and he praises her:
Many women do noble things, but she surpasses them all.
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Give her the reward she has earned,

Let her works bring her praise at the city gate.