After lots of cutsie spice of life stuff, here goes some heavy commentary.
Last March, at our church's Marriage Builder's Bible Study Retreat, the issue of childbearing came up. Not how to do it (child REARING), but how many (CHILDBEARING). The speaker quoted Psalms 127:3-5 [Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him.
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate] as a justification for her belief that too many Christians feel like having children is an inconvenience or burden, that they are too scared, too vain, too materialistic to have more kids, and that they should be reminded of the scriptures and urged against such attitudes and practices. In other words - in general - have more kids. It struck me as rather Mormon. It didn't sit well in my stomach or my soul, but I didn't say anything. At least not then.
A good friend of mine took up this cause in the coversation in the next discussion session. I can't remember his exact words, but he felt that Christians should not refrain from having kids for selfish, lifestyle preference reasons and that they should be encouraged to WANT more.
Now - there are some obvious answers here, and I'll get to them.
But - my friend had taken one of my biggest, most sensitive buttons and jumped on it.
I became upset, impassioned. I pointed out that WANTING has done me no good. I didn't want to have any children. I've never experienced that deep maternal desire to do so. Ever. The thought mostly makes me shudder. For lots and lots of reasons. Some vain, some noble. None for public debate. When doctors gave Scott and me the "Oh by the way, you'll never have a baby," I was thrilled, relieved. How wonderful to get what I wanted.
Then a year later we were pregnant. I was devastated. This is not a welcomed attitude in the Christian community (as demonstrated by my friend and the speaker), so at the time I did my best to keep it to myself. This was a very lonely time.
Our daughter was born, and we love her. I love her, cherish her, relish her, enjoy her and am so thankful for her, for God's timing, for all the challenges and blessings. I But there is part of me that hasn't changed. I still have no inherent desire to become pregnant, bear a child, or raise another child.
But my husband feels differently. And I agreed that if we could have another baby I would want that for him and for Emma and for that potential baby. So. We tried to have a baby. and tried. and tried. and tried. We did everything possible, saw doctors, ate differently. We pushed back the deadline and tried some more. I wanted that second baby for very unselfish reasons. And God didn't grant it to me. And more importantly to my husband or my daughter.
After dealing with the sadness of not being pregnant again after wanting it so badly, enough time has passed that I'm ready to move on. So the part of me that feels revulsion at motherhood is truly relieved that after this month, if I'm not pregnant, I don't have to ever think about it again. Maybe relieved isn't even the right word.
Well, I've written a lot about myself here. Let me speak, for a moment, about some others, all Christians:
- I know single women who are reaching menopause, who have wanted nothing more than they wanted to get married and have babies.
- I know married couples who have wanted a large family and have tried everything, but still have no babies.
- I know married couples who have children, but wanted them for all the wrong reasons and are now facing this reality.
All this leads me to the point that I wish I had made more concisely and eloquently at the time of the original conversation.
If there is anything I've learned it's that
WHAT I WANT DOESN'T MATTER!
What matters most is CHRIST!
Now - with that I must log off the computer and get ready for bed. Please come back soon, because I would like to answer the question: "WHAT MATTERS?" in more detail. And I would like to share several scriptures and principles that ground me when I'm beginning to float away on a current of desire, or be tossed about by the pressures of Christian popular culture.
2 comments:
good stuff carol. i'm looking forward to future posts.
preach it sister.
while i wholeheartedly agree that there are many selfish Christians out there, is this really the way to make them unselfish? just have kids/more kids? it's an argument full of holes. i get what they're trying to get at but it's flawed and subsequently so are their arguments.
am i sad sometimes that people i care about aren't going to experience some of the joys i have, having had kids? sure. but am i sad sometimes that i won't get to have some of the joys that they will have as a result of NOT having kids? Absolutely!
i want to hear more of your ideas as you continue on this idea of "what i want doesn't matter" and "what matters most". i'm learning more and more that whatever the story is that God gives you, you must embrace it to be utterly transformed into the likeness of Christ. good stuff and bad stuff, sorrows and joys, marriage or no marriage, kids or no kids.
keep talking! I wanna hear!!
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